miyukidoll's Blog

or if you even believe in a God at all, but could you take a minute to pray for my Gram?

She's in the hospital right now in a lot of pain but they don't know what's causing it, she's on narcotics and it's not doing anything for the pain. They've done tons of tests already and haven't found ANYTHING so far. They're looking for cancer and everything.

My Gram is 83, and she has alzheimers and everytime they've taken her to the hospital this past year she's cried "like a baby" (they said), she gets really scared because she doesn't know what's going on. She's in pain and she keep saying "why don't they do something, I can't take it" stuff like that. This woman's had 10 children naturally, some at home by herself. If she's in pain and crying the pain must be terrible.

So also is just getting over shingles (and elderly version of the chicken pox) but that doesn't seem to be the problem right now, and she had a heart attack in 1999, and can barely walk right now.

So I'm just telling you how the situation is... I love her and I miss her especially when I visit and she's not herself. Watching her being sick and hurting is hard.

Please pray that they take her pain away.

 I hate it when women breast feed in public, I hate it, I despise it, I resent it, it irks me, I shun it, and I am disgusted by it. I find it vulgar. Ok, sorry for all the mean words but I'm constantly told how great it is and how wrong I am. So this is my journal so I can voice myself. xD

 I was on Xanga just now reading a blog "10 Reasons Why Christianity Is Wrong" or something like that. I don't get what the point is when the person would just snap at anyone who disagrees.
so I thought about it a little and posted my thoughts and I'll post it here too.

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I'm not mad, I just think about this a lot.

I'm sick of people bashing Christians, I don't really get why people do. I don't disrespect other people's religions, or lifestyles so why disrespect mine? Also if I'd like to have my say why can't I? Don't bring up things if you don't want to hear other people's side. 

Here's my personal belief in being a Christian, "live and let live" because I'm going to be standing infront of God ALONE paying for my actions, and you will be doing the same. Whether you believe in God or not you will be. However I won't tell anyone how to live their life, I'll never claim I'm perfect or that I know it all. 

I am not someone who tries to convert people or talk them into God. I'm not even good at talking about God.

I have friends that are homosexual, or believe in abortion, who have sex before they're married. I love them, I wouldn't leave them over those actions. I can't judge them, I'm just as bad.

I guess this is going to be a short post, feel free to leave comments... I honestly hope this is read. I feel like when it comes to respecting religion people don't.

Also I think we let religion divide us because we chose to argue over it then respect each other's religion. It's not really religion, it's ourselves that divide us.

 <img alt="" src="http://fc09.deviantart.net/fs13/f/2006/356/d/0/My_H_eArt_is_broken_by_EmObEnNy.jpg" /> When it comes to Kodi I keep finding myself accepting the same apologies over and over. Today I find myself wondering if I really love him. Can I be this hurt and disappointed and all around negative with the man I love? Or is it not love at all? Am I totally wrong? He works A LOT. Sometimes 2 8 hour shifts without sleep in between, that must be too difficult. He also has to do things for his parents, help his friends, and have &quot;me time&quot;. Well here's the choices: A. Sleep B. Have &quot;me time&quot; (which he usually plays video games) C. Have quality relationship time C gets sacrificed a lot for A &amp; B. C is really hard to come by. Right now I don't feel like talking to him, I don't feel loved by him, I don't feel wanted at all. I feel like giving up, or backing off, or just not calling. Sometimes I feel like we're not on the same page and it crushes me. This &quot;busy-ness&quot; might be enough to tear us completely and permanently apart.

I feel that since this has to do with my past I need to post it here.

This may seem silly to other people, and this post may make me look like even more of an attention whore but I don't care it's my journal, I talk about my life for my sake, not others.

My parents hug me in the morning and at night before bed they tell me they love me and that's all. My dad says nice things to me when he's around but he works 2 jobs so I don't see him that much, our relationship is very "hi,bye". My dad hit me a couple times and called me a bitch over ridiculous things, he also trashed my room, I didn't talk to him much for about four years after that. Then I started to forgive. I do forgive him now but our relationship may never be more than "hi, bye". I know that if I told him something he'd listen and try to understand, when I went to the hospital (for having a plan to kill myself) my mom called him and he came immediately. He didn't say "Once I finish this last thing" or "Ok, when I get off" or "I can't right now", he said he'd be there and he came. Unfortunately that embarrassed me more because I had to answer tons of personal questions about my thoughts in front of my parents.

So my mom, my mom and I ACT a like but we don't think a like so we constantly crash, I relationship status changes day to day, I'm sure she's going through menopause, and it's driving us all up a wall. She can be very mean and nasty and cry the next minute.

I feel very distant from my family. The memories I have from being a child are as such, once I had asked my mom to play a board game and she refused, I wanted to play so bad that I kept asking her when we could play, I even asked her if we could play in 2 weeks. She's rather eat dinner with my Dad in front of the T.V. then play board games with me. I spent most of my childhood playing by myself in my room with my Barbie and other toys I think after I turned five, I stopped being played with and held.

When we went camping with my cousins I was not allowed to go with them anywhere because I was too little, even then I was alone. My cousins weren't even my friends and we spent quite a bit of time together when we were younger.

In school I was also a behavioral problem and an overall reject.

What I mean by all this is as a kid I didn't get the affection I needed. And now I'm almost eighteen years old, doing things I never thought I would do. I like two guys at once, and hurt both of them. That's not the girl I want to be. I don't want to be a girl who's with someone then get lonely while she's gone and runs to someone else, that's not what I want to become. This idea scares me.

I am so lonely and I need so much emotional support and attention, I am not completely sure of what the phrase "being held" means to me, I just know that it's one of my deepest desires and a very great need.

Kodi and I had a ... well it wasn't a fight ... well it was me basically getting upset.

I got my period yesterday so I'm more emotional then usual and I'm in pain. When I'm hurting physically or emotionally or I'm tired or lonely... I just want to be held. And I guess in all honesty, I want to held and rocked on someone's arms and told they love me and need me and that I'm important. I am so unbelievably childish and selfish. I do act like a baby specially in front of Kodi, I want him to pamper me and take care of me. This little girl just comes out sometimes and wants what she wants. It's not a big deal for him to hang up and hang out at a friends house right? Then why did I cry? I needed someone there. I know Kodi can't stop his life for every time I hurt or need something.

I'm sure I'm exhausting him. I need to find a way to tell him this, maybe he'd understand.

http://vulgar-wolf.livejournal.com/

^^original post here

I'm researching it. I'd love to know if anyone knows any good sites or good books to read on it. I'm doing some research for a story I'm writing and I want the character and his personalities to be as well developed as possible.

I'd really want an educated medical view,I want to know symptoms, behaviors, what people think causes it the whole nine yards. If you can help me find a good place to study this let me know.

I have been looking on sites but haven't found anything.

Also I don't have a medical degree and my reading level isn't particularly high so please don't recommend me books that would take a degree to understand.  

Anonymous) on November 11th, 2009 06:07 pm (local)
Hmm.

IP Address:(82.7.101.224)
  In all fairness this is the most pathetic cry for attention I've ever heard. Go google africa. Read up about their life styles, they wouldn't give a fuck if that boy with the awesome long hair and the mascarra was dating their best friend, in africa, they worry about not starving to death or catching diseases. Now stop being a fucking selfish bastard and grow up. >_>; ---

I was talking about suicide and this is the response I get. 

Well tonight after my mom came home her co-worker called to say Kmart is hiring. So we immediately go down there. Their computer is down, they didn't put an out of order sign on it, so after 30 minutes of standing there and kneeling because there was no chair, the computer froze. So I talk to the costumer service girl, they have no paper applications. What a waste of time.

I go to the Dollar Tree and Aldi's to get applications. I still feel like crying at this point I mean I've been looking for a job for over six months.

I come on and sign on my IMs I talk to my ex Charles. He's always bugging me about getting a job so I fill out apps and he says "anyone can do that". Instead of encouraging me he tears me down. You have to understand that I have a very hard time ordering food from a cashier and stuff like that so me going up to the counter and asking for an app is a big deal.

So then I try to call Kodi because I know he'd tell me he's proud of me and give me positive reinforcement, but he STILL doesn't have service.

So I call Char and talk to her a bit, she texted Kodi for me so he knows I won't call.

Then I can't sleep. I'm really sad and miserable and worried right now. How am I going to pull this off?
 

Well not much has been going on. I'm finding myself reaching depression. I recently had a "high" (which is what I call the short period where I wasn't depressed). Now I feel tired, just so tired. To the point where I don't know how to function. I know I need to start reading again because I have the kind of brain where I "use it or lose it". My memory and focusing skills will get even worse.

My mom and I got into a fight on Tuesday Night, we started out with bickering over some stupid family gossip then turned into a full blown screaming match. My mom suggested that I should move out. I'm not going to say "I don't think she means it", I think she does. She knows she can't kick me out right now. I'm still 17 and she taught me nothing on how to take care of myself. I told Kodi what happened and he said he'd come pick me up. But the thing I worry about is my medicine. I'm currently on birth control and prozac (and I don't have health insurance anymore), how will I get a prescription of that down there. Honestly I'm sure I can survive ok without prozac but the birth control... if I don't take it I'll get really sick because of my ovarian cysts. This whole "moving out" thing has put a lot on my mind if my mom and I have anymore fights within the next two months (my 18th birthday is in December) I'm just going to have to pack up my stuff and leave. I'd end up leaving most of my things. I have hundreds of books I can't take them. I have over 50 DVDs. I just don't know. I feel like there's going to be an explosion coming on between my mom and I. There's so many things, I mean hopefully I could stay with Char (my friend who lives within walking distance of me) for a couple days. It would take Kodi 13 hours drive to get here and 13 hours back. This whole situation is so difficult. I feel like my mom is getting to the point where she doesn't want to be around me. She ignores me most of the time, she just gives signs that she wants me out.

Other than that I'm ok, I'm making it. I've been being good doing chores not being clingy to Kodi. I want a bird or a cat but my dad said no. Maybe Kodi will buy me a kitty! :3 Otherwise I'd probably get lonely at night since Kodi works nights. I'd also need to get a job because I can't lay around and expect Kodi to feed me. It just won't work out that way. The grass isn't greener I know.

Also I don't know what to do about the whole cell phone thing. I guess I'll just use my old one (even though it goes on their bill) till they shut it off. I know that's not really nice but I wouldn't be able to pay for it.

Sorry this post wasn't meant to be a big venting post. I was going to talk about other stuff too but I forgot what it was! LOL!

I just want to say thanks to the people who read my journals because I know they're pretty ranty, teen angsty, and depressing. Ya know the usually venting stuff.
 

http://hushblossom.blog.com/

^^please read my new entry (:

 A window with silver paint, my reflection is what I see. My eye, dark blue and gray. Stunning in some ways. They speak for themselves. They're the windows to my soul. A manifestation of the the truth. You see all my weakness, all my love. You see my life, my struggles, my failures. My eyes smile for you. They cry for you. It's as if my heart is right in view. Pain, and past hurts, you see glimpses of those. All these things, all this love, all this hate, all this confusion, and all this clarity, make me who I am. Please love me.










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"Where do your eyes go first? Write something (truth or fiction) that begins and ends with someone looking in a mirror."
 

A kind friend on dA gave me a link to a blog to help inspire writers. Well the woman from the blog is hiatusing because she lost her job. Understandable she has family to tend to.

I found this site. It's a little juvenile but until I find something better I'll use this. (Mind you LJ questions of the day don't usually inspire me).

Here's the [link] .

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"What could you write about? List 25 persons, places, or things you would like to write about some day. Then, choose one and WRITE!!!! Save the others for another day."

1. Charlene
2. My parents
3. My dog
4. Venice (why I'd like to visit)
5. Japan ( " " " " ")
6. Harry Potter
7. A summary of my own novel
8. Twilight
9. What my dream house looks like
10. What I think my future with Kodi will look like
11. Why I want to join the military
12. Write a poem about walking in the snow
13. Write about where I live, what the house look like, and what people are like
14. Write good things about myself
15. Start a fanfic and complete it
16. Rewrite "Miyuki's Bonds"
17. Write book reviews
18. My worst birthday
19. How the rain makes me feel
20. What it means to be happy (in my pov)
21. Write about a song, why I like it, and how it makes me feel
22. Write about Helen Keller
23. What colors mean to me
24. Write about the penobscot indians
25. Write a poem about wild ravens

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Slow hollowed footprint
A whispering wind
All this cold surrounding me
Creates a warmth in my heart

It reminds that my heart is not ice cold
It doesn't compare
The beauty of my heart
Does not compare

The white cloaks on each tree
Demonstrate more beauty
Then I hold in this very body
The innocence of winter

I think of it as a queen
Waving her pale hands
Gently, glittering flakes fall
The epitome of who I'd like to be

The innocence of winter...
 

I guess I've been too open on the internet recently I got a scam email from someone saying they needed to connect to my bank account to get out of their country and come to the USA. I knew it was a scam.

Then this guy on MSN contacts me saying his name is Eric and he's greek. He wanted me on webcam. RED FLAG. I say no because I honestly don't have one. He keep pressing for pictures of me. I show him a picture that's here on dA then he asked me for a bikini shot. Seriously. That's just shameful.

It's my fault for being so open. Since these things started happening I've been taking down my info. I guess it's just a good lesson.

I want to make friends but at the same time I've been too open to people that could hurt me. I'm disappointed.
 

I'm losing my spark for deviantart. There's only a few people right now that make me enjoy it. I am happy that I've been making friends and that my journals and my art matter to people. It's kind of a slow process. I'm not giving up on dA mind you, I'm just...slowing down. I don't currently have anything to take pictures of. My writings aren't flowing.

I'm not really sad about it. I just feel like I need to focus on something else for a little bit. I'm sure I'll still be on everday.

I guess I'm a little bored.

Lately I've been on experience project, but I'm starting to get bored of that too since I don't have that many friends.

Also if you have the following let me know:

blogger
livejournal
tumblr
multiply
blog dot com
vox
experience project
wordpress
xanga

I have all of those but don't have many friends xD NO ONE on my IM list has any of those!
 

So basically there was this guy I was online dating that I shouldn't have. His name is Charles he's 27, I am 17. Basically everything fell apart and he really hurt me. I wasn't good enough. Now I'm finding it hard to look at pictures of him or to see his myspace. It really shouldn't bother me I know. I don't love him anymore but the wounds are still deep. I still cry and wonder why I wasn't good enough. I wanted him to accept me. He wouldn't.

He uploaded new pictures the other day. He only used to upload pics when I used to beg him for months. He uploaded a pic of a girl whom I know likes him. I feel like he does and says certain things to hurt me. It makes me cry, I mean i shouldn't still be crying over this guy. He's not worth it, but it hurts. It's feels like I failed. I tried! I tried so hard! But I never made him happy.

I was talking to Kodi about this last night, it's really sad to have to talk to the man I love about an ex. He shouldn't have to listen to me talk about it because i shouldn't be thinking about it.

The only good thing about Charles was I knew that if I needed a place to go he'd have a home, food, and a bed for me.

Kodi doesn't. That scares me. I mean it's not Kodi's fault he's only 20 but...I need ot find security. It's not in me or Kodi.

I have no where to go...I'm lost I guess.
 

Basically I was telling my friend about the boy situation I'm going through. I like two guys at once so for the time being I chose to be with neither. Somehow we got onto the subject of they're one friend have a lolita fetish. She says because they have a "pedo" friend I should stay away from them. Don't get me wrong I think this friend needs to go into therapy, honestly. But he hasn't touched anyone yet, and I think there's still time to make sure he doesn't. I don't want to stay away from these boys I love them. There's not that messed up. Honestly they won't even have "bad habits". Yes they have odd fetishes and yes Jamel needs therapy but that's the worst of it. They drink and play Yugioh cards. I mean seriously...I don't think they're a bad influence.

Honestly when I first heard about Jamel I was really really shocked and I almost threw up. But I remembered that I'm a cutter and I'm not perfect and that's something that disgusts people and I had to get therapy for.

Also if I EVER hang out with Jamel I will watch the punk like a hawk I will be up his ass. And if we do become friends someday I'd try to convince him to go to therapy.

Overall not a good situation, I'm not defending his thoughts, I'm just defending his ability to change and that my friend won't "ruin my life".